vocalizing pain

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By: Fela M'tima

June-5-17

 
 

Oh, to be a woman. We are built to endure pain, both emotional and physical. It's magical, beautiful, and honestly fucking mesmerizing. Now, as women with a "women's disease" we use all of our witch magic and strength, stir it into our yellow cauldrons, and battle one of the hardest diseases out there. No matter how much pain you can handle each day, there is still a moment, or period of time, when it's too much. Your natural instinct is to say something. I'll be the first one to admit, I'm queen of complaining. I've tried denying it, even before I wracked up all these invisible illnesses, but the truth is out there. I'm also a hypochondriac, so it's not always complaints, it's fears as well. Oi-fucking-vey, right?

I know a lot of us women also have mental illnesses as well, which just as with physical pain, can make us vocal. Being vocal with chronic pain and mental illness is extremely important. It's our way to release the energy that's boiling over. It's a way to let go. Sometimes, you've released your energy and then you've complained so much about it, that the energy isn't actually good anymore. I've had days where I am in so much pain I can hardly think straight. These days, I spend 90 percent of it talking about the fact that I'm feeling so awful. Before I know it, my whole day has been consumed by some evil Endometriosis monster who is cackling at me while I cry, complain, panic, repeat.

At this point my day has turned into an emotional and physical roller coaster from hell. Not to mention anyone who has been around me has probably had a shitty day too. So, let's take a step back, ladies. What does a world living with endo look like, where we build boundaries for vocalization? Where we draw the line and pull back, out of self care for our own selves? It all got me thinking. I know that not talking about my pain wouldn't make it go away. I also knew that talking about it doesn't make it go away either.

 

"It's all your feeling, and then it's all your thinking, but what if it wasn't all we were saying? If we could take away one sensory, maybe we could rearrange how our day unfolded."

 

I don't want days where Endometriosis consumes so much of my life, that I turn into the monster myself. Cackling, possibly drooling, as I have taken each part of my day and soaked it in the disease itself. These bad days are the days that are the hardest to separate yourself from the disease, I know. It's all your feeling, and then it's all your thinking, but what if it wasn't all we were saying? If we could take away one sensory, maybe we could rearrange how our day unfolded. Maybe, just maybe, on those bad days the monster would hide under the bed. And though, you'd still know it was there, you wouldn't feel so consumed, and we wouldn't be bringing everyone down with us. 

Be the woman you are, never underestimated, forever powerful. Don't drown underneath the Goblin, Monster, or Satan that you envision your disease as. I'm not saying don't complain, because we all deserve to. But let's all try and find that line together, to give ourselves a little bit more peace, in the chaos that is chronic disease.