all the single ladies

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By: Fela M'tima

October-23-17

 

The dating world is scary. Point blank. Stir a chronic illness into the mix and it could easily boil over, and disintegrate. We can't hide under our blankets and heating pads while playing "single ladies" on repeat for the rest of our lives. But, how do you make dating easier when you have a dysfunctional pelvic floor and have racked up a punch card of ER visits?

The truth is, I don't even know. Honestly, the idea of bringing someone into this world of sickness is scary. A lot of the women I know with partners, met them before they got sick. I had no problem meeting people before I got sick, too. It's hard enough to trust if someone is going to meet up to normal standards, let alone the list of standards you need when you're chronically ill.
The quote, "If you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" hits it spot on for us sickies, but, do we even want to tear down the curtain for them to see us at our worst? Maybe, and maybe not. If only tinder had a filter for men who cringe when they hear the world "uterus" or men who will tell you "at least it's not cancer".

Dating apps really don't help us invisible illness gals. We are out here fending for ourselves hoping that the "Hey, how are you" message you sent isn't responded with a "Hey, u DTF???" Because trust me, if I was DTF, it wouldn't be with you if you can't have a conversation with me first. Sadly, dating is like this for anyone. "Fuckbois" became a thing for a reason. When you have a chronic illness, you already have a huge list of things you need to avoid (physically and emotionally) to stay sane. How the hell are we going to survive if we have to add "Oops, I started dating a Fuckboi" to that list? 

Now, we might not live in the age of tinder filters, but we do have a good head on our shoulders, ladies. We might not know if the person we start dating is actually going to be able to handle the tales of the chronically ill, but if they can't, they might as well be a fuckboi. We have to make our own filters, our own boundaries. We might be more picky, because we know what it's like to lose relationships already. We might take a longer time to open up in a new relationship and that's okay.

Take it slow. Never respond to someone who can't have a conversation with you before trying to get in your pants. Never, ever, be afraid to talk about your illness. It has shaped you, molded you, strengthened you. You are powerful. You are one to be reckoned with. No amount of right swipes will ever amount to your worth. 

Be fierce. Go on dates. Hide under the blankets sometimes. Be you, illness and all.