By: Autumn Smith



While being sick, I made the decision to believe in God, love God, and to love him for the rest of my life, no matter what. Atheists, hear me out. I get you.

I grew up Christian, going to church every Sunday and going to church camps for fun. My family is still very Christian, but liberal, accepting, non-preachy, and casual. My family always made it easy to love God, but even as a child I questioned everything about the Bible during studies at church. The rules, the stories, the punishment….there were things in there that I would never, ever believe MY God would do. It was confusing.

I eventually grew older, more liberal, and almost solely focused on social injustices when it came to politics. The definition of a Christian for me had completely morphed into what could be described as a monster. They didn’t accept the LGBTQ community, they were against abortion and birth control, they slut-shamed, shamed other religions, they were mostly conservative republicans, basically the opposite of what I had become. They were full of hate and aimed to shame others. I didn’t want to identify with them anymore, and it would embarrass me to tell people I believed in God. I started to identify with the artsy, intellectual, left wing types (whether I fit in or not) and most of them were atheists. It made sense to me. I had been questioning this my entire life, what was I holding on for?

Being sick has forced me to think about life and what this is all about, much more than before when I was 20 and “finding myself”. My life was shitty and I was constantly trying to make it better in any way. My family and close friends were always praying for me. It was nice, but would it work? What were the prayers for, to make me “better”? That isn’t going to happen. But somehow it felt good. It gave me hope. I took a long look at these people around me, these God-loving “Christians” who I loved so much. They were loving, some of them were crazy, some never go to church, some of them were gay,  and some of them were fun, sexually active, chill-as-hell people who loved to party. And they loved God.

Clearly, not all Christians are bad. I would bet that MOST of them are good people. Some are Christ-like, and some of them just do their own thing. Some God loving people are associated with a completely different religion and oh boy, did that interest me. Are we all praying to the same God? When we talk to and about God, don’t we all have the same good, beautiful intentions? This “God” guy didn’t seem so bad anymore. And LOOK!  I suddenly realized I had so, so many options.

Flash forward to today. I believe in ghosts, aliens, I hope witch craft is real, and Sasquatch might live in the forest a mile away from my house. Crystals are cool. Sunshine makes me happy. I have the best nights when the moon is full in my sign, Pisces. I want to believe in horoscopes. My life was miserable when Mercury was in retrograde. “Vibes” is a word a use often and I think I feel and send them all the time. And, I believe in God. A God, my God, whoever he may be. I want it all. I’m not a Christian, and I don’t believe in the Bible. Some of the guys that wrote it seem like dicks. I don’t believe in hell. Jesus seems like the coolest guy ever. I pray often and I light candles with crystals surrounding them while spreading lit sage all over my house. I want there to be a balance in this world, and I can feel it. MY God loves me, forgives me, and knows I’m a good person. He accepts everyone, every religion, every sexual orientation, every race, every animal, and me. He’s cool as hell. We talk, we chill, he’s there for me. He’s whatever I want him to be, and I can’t imagine him as anything but perfect. It’s pretty easy to love God when he’s exactly what you want. My heart feels more full now, I’m open to anything. I’m sick but full of love and ViBeZ all over the place.

Instead of asking the previous question of, “what am I holding on for?” I’m asking, “why not?” My God is cool as hell, and you can have him too. Or your own. Whatever you want, I get it. Be open to it all, and I just hope it makes you feel good.