image (5).jpeg

life without disease

By: Autumn Smith



Today I imagined a life without disease.


A life without pain and constant suffering. It was everything I had ever wanted.


I didn't have to disappoint people by canceling plans and I didn't have to rely so much on the ones I love. 


I definitely didn't have to rely on my dad as much. We never had to spend days together on trips seeing doctors and having surgeries. We were never stuck in hospital rooms alone together with hours to talk about things that would have otherwise never been brought up. We never became as close. I never got to see the lengths he was willing to go to help me.


I never got the chance to realize that my mom will truly do anything in the world to help her children. It was easier to fight with her because I never had to find out the hard way that she loved me more than anything else in this world. 


Without disease, it was easier to fight with my boyfriend as well. We never experienced the hardships that showed us that the little things weren't worth fighting for. I never saw what he was willing to sacrifice for me and therefor never got the chance to appreciate it more than anything in this world.


I was still friends with shitty people without my disease around. I had never bored them with my sickness and I never scared them away. 


I still drank too much. Without my kidneys and bladder to punish me every time I drank alcohol, it was easy to keep the party alive. I never got a chance to realize how much I dislike myself when I drink too much. I didn't understand how fragile our bodies can be.


Without the irritable bowels and inflammation my disease causes, I never figured out what a beautiful thing eating healthier can be. 


My kidneys never reminded me to drink at least eight glasses of water a day.


Without getting sick I was still at a job that I didn't appreciate enough. I didn't get to see working as a privilege, a privilege that not everyone has. I never got a chance to miss it.


I didn't feel the drive I do now to work hard for a career only a healthy person could have. I didn't see how happy it could make me.


Without my disease I didn't have a reason to write or a reason to fight to be creative.


Most importantly I didn't feel the amount of empathy I would if I were sick. I didn't ache as much for everyone I came across that was in pain, pain in any kind of way. 


Without disease I didn't get to meet one of my best friends and hundreds of other women I could look up to. Without this disease, women's rights weren't as important to me. I didn't get to see the full power and strength of a woman. 


I didn't see the love the people closest to me were able to offer. I didn't see how full my heart potentially be.


Without my disease I didn't get to see how strong I was, how strong I AM from this disease. Strong enough to now think I can take on anything...after I'm done taking on this disease.